Life’s injustices! Post #2
I’d like to tell you some more about the wacky crap children do to you. Today’s post is all about what happens in the wee-est hours when you are trying desperately not to have to wake up… just yet. This week was kind of the 7th circle of hell in terms of sleep. Le child decided that it would be TOTALLY AWESOME to get up at 6:30 every morning. RUDE! This is a time frame that just does not work for me and it falls a full hour and a half before her normal eye-opening. What the crap, MAN!? Here is our normal ritual:
6:00-ish am: Colby brings Colette to our bed (because he’s getting up at that hour and digs it)
6:00-ish to 7:30 or 8:00 am: Snuggle times for baby n mama before entire day ritual begins.
Sounds great. But I forgot to mention the details, you see. When she first gets in there, she needs a little bit to get back to sleep. It’s like this: if I pretend I’m asleep, she’ll eventually go to sleep and then I do too and it’s all happy time yay. (Not this week because nothing I did got her to go back down). So, let me ask you, Internet, if you think you could sleep through any of these WEIRD-ass things she does. You’re asking yourself, “What’s so weird about cuddling?” I’ll tell you what.
1) Colette likes to pet me. Sweet. (Really). And she’ll say things like, “Mama, I pet. Mama. I pet you, Mama. Pet.” She says it all slobbery through her binky, so that’s even cuter, ya know?
2) But I’m lying still, right? Yes, girl. Pet away. Mama is sleeping and soon, if I don’t react, you will be too… but then a curious little finger is petting my mouth. And that tickles. And it’s trying to get in to pet my teeth. I’m laying there all stiff-lipped but sure enough her finger slips and I’ve got a small slash on my gum from her razor-sharp fingernail. Pretend-sleep fails now. Tiny hand removed. Swiftly.
3) I’m lying very still again. I even used the shuffle to kill two birds with one stone and adjust my position in the bed so my leg isn’t falling asleep anymore. Happy. Cuddle. Pet… she’s petting my bangs now. ”Mama, I touch. Mama, soft. Mama…” And now I’m trying not to twitch because she’s moved down and is petting my EYE. What’s soft now? My eyelashes! That she’s trying to pull out of my face all of a sudden!!! You’re on to me, aren’t you, kid? You KNOW I’m not sleeping. Tiny hand extraction, this time more gently. You know, to encourage sleep still.
4) I have to pee like crazy. I am full to the brim, but if she doesn’t fall back asleep right this instant, we’ll both be up and we’ll be beating the sun to the punch. Which totally, totally sucks. I lie still, in pain, hoping I can at least wait this out and when she’s asleep I’ll sneak off, find sweet relief, and sink back into my dreams about traveling to strange and far off places… here, kid: pet my elbow ‘cause I’m rolled over now. What in the world could she possibly find on my elbow to bother? How about maybe one of those infinitesimal cracks to stick that (as said) SHARP claws into? SERIOUSLY!? How did you come up with that??? Your brain is CRAZY, child! CRAZY! OWWWW!
And…
Oh wait…
She’s asleep!
